DR. NORMA’S 21 WAYS FOR A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

1. Flirt with each other.
2. Appreciate each other.
3. Develop common interests.
4. Develop your spiritual values.
5. Listen before you attempt to problem solve.
6. Learn to the art of decreasing your anxiety by self-soothing. Talk to yourself before acting. Calm yourself with your voice. Act when your brain (gray matter) is in charge, not your emotions. If you act out of your hindbrain, you will always make bad decisions.  This part of your brain has no humor, or gray matter. It can only rage, fight, and screw up.  (That does not mean making love.) This process is called “growing up” and developing maturity.
7. Stop and think before you act.  Learn to tell the “real story.” Honesty creates respect.
8. Develop empathy. Walk out of your shoes and walk in your partner’s shoes when there is conflict.
9. Let go of resentment and anger. Behind resentment is a request or a desire. Behind anger is fear. Figure out your fears and listen to each other’s requests.
10. Criticism, Contempt (calling each other names), Defensiveness, and Withdrawing will always cause a disconnect and eventually divorce.  Hitting, and intimidating are never acceptable.
11. Discuss your financial expectations, many times.  Decide on your financial goals, Sometimes it is helpful to sign a contract with each other as to how you will spend your money.
12. If you begin to fight about sex, stop, talk, and ask yourself, “ what is the resentment, and why are we fighting about great pleasure?
13. Eat well, and exercise.  Don’t take anything into your body that you wouldn’t give your children.
14. Develop the art of accepting each other.  At the same time, set healthy boundaries.
15. All relationships have conflict. The difference is the way you solve your conflict. Do you get resolution of the problems and feelings?  Does your behavior change?
16. Something has to change for something to change. That usually means your behavior.
17. Give up the need to control in favor of gentle guidance.
18. In a relationship, there is always a fine line between creating helpfulness and creating helplessness. That doesn’t mean that you don’t do for each other, but neither do you create a sense of helplessness in the other person.
19. Appreciate and tell your partner that you appreciate him/her.
20. Express your love. Don’t get into the habit of observing the relationship and not expressing your feeling. Example: “You should know that I love you,” This is deadly. There are no magic wands or crystal balls. You have to ask, listen and receive.
21. The development of mature, long lasting love requires one to attach in a healthy way.

Attraction, and infatuation begin the relationship. Attachment is the core of the relationship.  This is what leads to enduring, loving relationships.  Attachment can’t occur if the relationship is always in conflict.  Our bodies are geared for survival. Perpetual conflict causes us to fight and leave----It is a primitive reflex that helped our ancestors to survive a dangerous world.

 ALWAYS STRIVE FOR A USER FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP. 

GARBAGE IN—GARBAGE OUT.

 If your relationship boat is in stormy waters,

Send out an emergency, and get immediate help.

E-mail Dr. Norma Leslie

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